CLEMANTICS PARTYGATE SCOOP

 Clemantics Scoop

 Documents relating to the Partygate Investigation have come into our hands. Our solemn duty is to put them in the public domain. 

THE MET, Policing Without Fear or Favour

'May The Force Be With YOU'

Met Police Questionnaire

Private & Confidential (leaks permitting)

The Met policing without fear or favour

(Please answer all questions honestly chummy, 'cos we know you have done it anyway)  

 1.  Name ……………………………………….

2.  Your real name………………………………………

3.   Any aliases, past or present……………………………………… e.g. Grant Schapps/Michael Green

 

4. Have you ever attended an al fresco Strategy Meeting at no.10 chaired by Dilyn the Dog? Y/N

   

If yes, please rate his performance on the scale below

                               Top Dog.....................................Barking

5.How would you rate Tescos BYOB Special Chardonnay - £5.99 from Tesco’s Metro?

                             Great Value.................................Expensive at half-the-price

6. Would you take a bottle or two to future Al Fresco Strat Meetings?

                            Highly likely.... likely.....unlikely....very unlikely.....you 'avin a laugh?

7. How do you feel about the presence of a mini-fridge at Al Fresco Strat meetings at no. 10?

                              unchilled......chilled......cool.... super cool

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8. In what circumstances is a birthday cake a Strat 'energizing' gateau?

9. If you are singing Happy Birthday in the presence of a Birthday cake whilst at the same time washing your hands are you at a birthday party or a public health education event?

10. How many of the following Parties/Strat Meetings did you attend?

1? 2? 3? 4? 5? 6? 7? 8? 9? 10? 11? 12? The whole bally lot?

11. Have you ever attended a party that was so bad that you thought you were at a Strat meeting?

Please give details............

12. How many Al fresco meetings have you attended where participants have broken a child's swing?

                                  10+.................5-10...............1 - 5............0

13. Would you consider becoming a Confidential Informant? (No £SD involved but there may be a little brown envelope in the post, nudge, nudge.)

14. Who brought the alcohol from the supermarket? - now, now, don't come the old acid, the truth, remember

15. At the Strat meetings/ parties you attended, name the other attendees /guests e.g. THE PRIME MINISTER

16.AT the Strat meetings/parties you attended, who imbibed alcohol? e.g. THE PRIME MINISTER

17.At the Strat meetings/parties you attended, who engaged in lecherous or lewd behaviour? e.g. THE PRIME MINISTER

18. At the conclusion of any Strat Meeting/Party, who engaged in a rendition of ‘Rule Brittania’ whilst wearing their trousers on their head? e.g THE PRIME MINISTER

You can't be serious........No...........Oh, my god, no........I need to consult my lawyer........

19. Are you prepared to take a lie-detector test? Yes…. No…. Over my dead body...

** Can you confirm, as of today, whether or not you have done the decent thing, thrown yourself on your sword, and resigned from government. IF NOT WHY NOT

Thank you for your response and for admitting, knowingly or otherwise, that you committed an offence under the ‘one rule for us, one rule for them’ regulations.

And Finally, Would you like to be advised of:

• Future Offers Y/N

• Future Questionnaires Y/N

• Future Celebrations in SW1 Y/N

Or join our mailing list for a free copy of our 'house' magazine, Our Back Yard, including a special feature 'Leakable Confidentials' Our unofficial guide to when to Leak and when to Zip. Y/N

The Met Police is Proudly Sponsored by SPECSAVERS

 

“Party at no.10 ? – Nothing to see here; now move along please Ms. Kuenssberg.”

Don't Pull 'em Down

 

The Statue Tory Read (a subsidiary of Wright-Wing Press)

Don't Pull 'em Down

(by our correspondent A. Cortt- Clarke)

Members of the No Common Sense Group of Tory MPs awoke to the news that the Scotstoun 4 (Ms. A. Woke; Ms. A. Snow-Flayke; Mr. A. Pinkeau; Mr. A. Trott) had been acquitted of causing Criminal Damage to one of the UK's proudest statues.

Outside Court Ms. Snow-Flayke explained

“ We simply thought we were doing the good people of Scotstoun a service by removing an icon celebrating rape, exploitation and paedophilia”

Miss Sue Ella, (Braine-Lesse & Braverperson solicitors) representing pressure group Statues 'R' Us claimed that the 4's acquittal opened the door to statue assault up and down the country.

“We are facing a complete meltdown of Law and Order.The Grand Ole' Duke of York in St. James's has to be constantly guarded. Only last week a cut and dried case of theft of Jim 'll Fix it badge was thrown out on the grounds of it being an offensive medallion.”

Miss Sue Ellawent on to say

“ I shall be referring the Scotstoun case to the Court of Appeal as it has right pissed me and like-minded custodians of Make Britannia Grate Again off.”

The Perv Research Group at Westminster commented

“ By destroying this edifice the children of our Great Country (excluding Scotland) lose the opportunity to learn how much we revel* Exploitative Paedos in our society 

*(did you mean revile?- ed.)

ASH the anti-smoking pressure group echoed the PRG's sentiments. It claimed

“Removing Jim's cigar has deprived our youth of the opportunity of learning the hazards of smoking.”

Ivor Lyttle-John 'John speaks, the world listens', writing in the Daily Male observed

“The Infamous 4 would be singing a different tune if the statue of Hereward-The-Woke in Ely** was desecrated.”

**(I don't think there is a statue to Hereward in Ely. - ed.)

The Statue Tory Read asked the Government for comment. No senior Tory was available but Raquel Mc Cleanup, Minister for Safeguarding, told us

“ I think I can safely say that without Jim, I wouldn't have a job. He certainly fixed it for me!!”

 

 

Away with the virus

 

AWAY WITH THE VIRUS

 

 

(To the tune of Away In The Manger)

Away with the fairies it’s often been said,

Johnson’s incompetent but very well read,

But come forth a virus and response was there none,

For this is a man who must please everyone.

Whence came then the vaccine, our hero awoke,

And took all the plaudits as if t’were bespoke,

But the virus replied “Don’t mess with me spikes,

‘Cos I can mutate whenever I likes”

Poor Boris was flummoxed, the virus then spread,

Be sure to be boosted else you will be dead,

But hark who’s this saviour, the man of the hour,

Overweight and boisterous, he’s an absolute shower.

Take care what you wish for from lockdown to sleaze,

He thought being PM would just be a breeze,

How wrong could he be about the job of his life,

But who’s running the country, is it him or his wife?

Then Christmas was cancelled, don’t mingle or mix,

The lockdown guidelines said no party tricks,

But from No 10 all we heard was good cheer,

As they played party games and quaffed much wine and beer

The pandemic was surging we stayed home alone,

But those who partied must surely atone,

Let’s start with Johnson who fostered this mess,

Stand up, be a man and finally confess,

You’re a disgrace to the country and all of us,

It’s time to resign without further fuss.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE 

"Staff Working Under Gruelling Conditions" - Drabb

"Staff Working Under Gruelling Conditions" - Drabb

 

More at: www.theyworkforyou.CON